The musings of a chocolate monster

2004-04-24T20:46:00.000+10:00

brown m&ms

2003-09-05T00:21:00.000+10:00

potato balls and couches

met up with some friends for dinner tonight at our new fave hangout ... potato balls (now wedges :( ), couches, chai latte and hilarious conversation :) hurrah!

conversation turned to the attributes each of us look for in a partner ... and it was interesting to note that we agreed on a lot of these attributes, whether this was coincidence or a result of us all being friends and thus having similarities in our personalities, i'm not too sure.

a few of the things i learned tonight:

Lesson 1:

if you snort wasabi powder, your nose will bleed

Lesson 2:

it is possible to drink 3.5 bottles of wine until 5 in the morning and survive at work the next day

Lesson 3:

obssession with cantopop = turn off

hee!

also had lunch with one of my friends earlier today whom i haven't seen in a while ... it was fun catching up and filling each other in on the goss. the first thing she said to me was "i've missed you" *hug* aw .. she sure knows how to pull the heart strings :)

she is one of those friends who i can not see for a long periods of time but can just pick up our closeness when we meet up again ... i really do feel like i can confide in her and trust her. in 'music from another room' danny (jude law's character) is asked to describe what being in love is like, his response is:

"you know how when you're listening to music playing from another room? And you're singing along because it's a tune that you really love? qhen a door closes or a train passes so you can't hear the music anymore, but you sing along anyway... then, no matter how much time passes, when you hear the music again you're still in exact same time with it. that's what love is like"

i think the same can be said for true friendship.

sweet dreams all!

2003-09-04T00:16:00.000+10:00

time to unpack

it feels strange to be back after a longish hiatus ... why did i take a break?

i guess it began to feel like everytime i sat down at the computer to write .. i mentally clammed up ...

but i am now back ... having drawn inspiration from some other people's writings that have struck something inside me and made me feel ... *tingle* ...

over the last number of months i have made a lot of mistakes and thus learned a lot of lessons. i have been spending a lot more time with friends ... getting to know other people better and just getting more social happenings out of my 'play time' as i like to call it, i.e. non work time :) i've always seemed to draw my energy and focus from alone/introspective time .. however over the last number of months i have seemingly managed to juggle both ... though perhaps sometimes with a bit of compromise.

i guess over the last number of months i have found a small patch of inner peace within myself, i am certainly in no way satisfied or dare i even say happy, but i think that having spent so much time wallowing in angst in the past .. my emotions have plateaued a bit and i feel okay being alone (but ask me next week and it could be a whole different story :) )

they say that when you reach this point, when you least expect it, that is when something extraordinary happens in your life ...

the romantic in me still believes that to be true, but the shadow of my cynic lurks in the back of my mind.

is life really all about fate or is it more like a double headed coin toss?

2003-09-03T22:00:00.000+10:00

chips other than the potato kind

"i have a strange feeling that we will be coming back from this trip more tired than before we left"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

for a moment the world seemed topsy turvy .. the land seemed to be a twinkling sky beneath us and the sky was a misty pillowy sort of land ...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

from plane eye view the bright lights of melbourne looked like one of those circuit boards we used to play with in computer class in primary school. symmetrical gridline patterns with carefully laid out chips, each with it's own special place, each with a purpose no matter how seemingly insignificant.

as the plane drew closer to the ground the tiny specks of light grew larger, seeming to flash in time with my excitement reminding me of the tacky special effects used to portray the inside of a computer in late 80s/early 90s movies, a la hackers .. and i was excited, my first real holiday for almost a year ...

Trip Uppers:

the shopping!
all genki goods!
earmuffs
navy and silver nike aces
pink ballet ribbon shoes
finding hot pink and black striped top that was sold out in syd
coca cola bottles (not getting stuck with nelson's p)
the artwork at fat 52 ('he was her solace')
the moving cinema exhibition at federation square
wicked dnb tracks
the 12 apostles
the scenery along the great ocean road
the boathouse with the fireplace!
jackass!
party boy melbourne
robot (asahi = best sore throat remedy!)
honky tonk (decks in a piano!)
singing our lungs out to and bopping along to electro, jamiroquai, miscellaneous rnb tracks
chapellis (24hr pasta/cake goodness)
all day breakfast!
happy snaps
giant bonsai
taking pics of friends in vulnerable states and blackmailing them into slavery ;)

Trip Downers:

losing my special bangle =<::
having the flu all week
getting caught in the rain and hailed on
the icy cold, windy temperamental weather
not being able to visit the markets because of the above
locking our luggage in the wrong room and not being able to get into that room until the next morning
sleeping in contacts and smokey clothes as a consequence of the above
spaced out
'evolution' rnb nite
not being able to go to phillip island to steal a penguin
blue shirt guy
lack of luggage space
having to hide shoes and excess shopping
parking ticket
serious lack of zzzzzzzzzzzz

2003-03-18T23:55:00.000+10:00

no matter how much you appear to change on the outside, i believe that inside will always remain remnants of the same person, with the same fears, insecurities and personality traits.

inside me is still the frightened and shy little girl who always felt like a bit of an outcast ...

do these remnants manifest themselves in my everyday life years and years later? i think they do. i think they pull me down by causing me to doubt myself and to be insecure ... but they also act as an anchor that allows me to see more in other people and gives me the ability to empathise with life situations ... they make me a better and 'deeper' person.

2003-03-11T22:51:00.000+10:00

Went to my first pilates class today - part of my plan to regain a slightly less pathetic level of fitness.

It was pretty good actually, it involved a lot of stretching and breathing and strength building ... I actually felt better afterwards without having to sweat a drop! =>

Scarily enough though ... some of the exercises reminded me of this ancient Jane Fonda video my mum has =/ oh the big hair, the fake cheesy grins, the leg warmers ... the tacky 80s exercise music ... *shudders*

2003-03-11T22:44:00.000+10:00

one of the worst things that can happen is to find out that you weren't needed all along ...

2003-03-04T23:02:00.000+10:00

You know what I hate? I hate it in books and movies where rejector says to a rejectee love interest "if there was anyone I would choose to love in this world it would be you"...

Shut up! you are REJECTING someone! You DON'T want to love them, you don't CHOOSE to love them so enough with your condescending isht! Must you RUB it in!

Sorry ... I feel a little emotional over here ... =O

2002-12-29T00:40:00.000+10:00

lately my mind has felt like sludge

i feel like there is all this creative energy battling inside me to be released, but i have neither the energy nor the time to indulge

i feel like there are things i should remember that i don't

i feel like there are things i should have done which i haven't

is this the result of turning that one year older or is it something else?

i really don't know

2002-11-27T21:00:00.000+10:00

the new kid on the block

I started my new job this week and even though I have been assigned a desk to which I will come to every week day ... I still feel like a bit of an outsider. I guess I still have the mentality of an auditor where you are assigned a desk for a period of time and then have to move on. (Perhaps too many scars from rarely being offered birthday cake at client offices!) Hence I have been hesitant to bring out all my knick knacky items which would make my desk homey.

But not to worry, I shall start to sneak in my pictures and powerpuff girl dolls and etc one by one next week!

This week has been a bit tough for me in that this company does things so differently from my old company and also because my new job is so different from my previous job. However a big plus has been the people who have been really friendly. Something which did give me a rude shock was seeing how healthy everyone is!! All of the people I have met so far have some sort of exercise regime, be it jogging, volleyball at lunch times, running marathons (just to name a few sports) plus they all eat soooooooooo healthily!! I have been feeling extremely embarressed because of my slothlike tendencies and my weakness for maccas and oporto otropo burgers and chips... =< I have definitely been giving more thought to exercise these past few days ... perhaps this change in jobs will mean a change in lifestyle?

here's hoping ... *fingers crossed*

=D

2002-11-19T23:17:00.000+10:00

time limit?

according to charlotte in sex and the city it should take you approximately half the length of time spent in a relationship with someone to "get over" that person once you break up. another theory (as heard by ooee) is that it should take approximately one week for every month.

has anyone found either of these theories to be true?

if so i am seriously defective ...

2002-11-18T19:49:00.000+10:00

big bad bass

it was big it was bad and there was bass :)

2002-11-11T21:59:00.000+10:00

moving out of office

today i packed up all the stuff i had accumulated over the past three years at work ... after throwing out all the junk, i was left with two boxes, two bags and a stack of trays.

staring at my small pile and empty shelves and cupboard i felt a wave of sadness ... it is finally hitting me that i am leaving this place where i have spent so much time in the past three years and stepping into the unknown. having gone straight to this company after uni it terrifies me that i am leaving my comfort zone to go into a totally different job, in a totally new company.

i still have a full email box to empty tomorrow ... i started the task today and was caught up in memories as i read emails dating way back ... once this is completed it will be goodbye my old chum laptop (oh how i will miss thee but not thee weight), goodbye pass card which gave me free parking in the city centre and goodbye everyone...!

it is strange to think that one day people will look at old files which have work papers in my hand writing and see my squiggly signature at the bottom and not know who i am ... perhaps as i have often told newcomers tales of long gone old skool staff ... stories will be told about me ...

oh dear ... please let them be kind ...! :)

2002-11-09T21:54:00.000+10:00

human too

Every now and again an incident happens in my life where I am made aware yet again of the fact that even though it is the year 2002 and Australia prides itself on its 'multiculturalism', there are those people out there who for some reason believe that those of other races are less than human or less worthy than people with "white" skin.

Earlier this week I was the recipient of some blatant discrimination where I was told to get off a bus by the bus driver while people of non ethnic/anglo appearance were permitted to board the bus, I also watched an Indian man get rejected from the bus and it was alarmingly obvious that we had failed the "skin colour" criteria.

All forms of racism anger me more than words can express. Who does he think he is, this bigot of a bus driver who perches upon his blue vinyl "throne" like a bulbous mass passing judgement on who he wants to board his bus? I pay my taxes, I pay my fares, I have as much right to travel on state public transport as the next person. Because I am born with these genes which give me black hair and brown eyes and slightly different coloured skin does that mean I have any less feelings or that I am immediately worth less? It has been years since the segregation of races on public transport was abolished - get with the times.

How pathetic is this bus driver to have so little in his life that he sees the need to wield what little 'power' he has by choosing his bus passengers? How sad and empty and devoid of respect he must be.

So all I can say is:

"Mr. bigot bus driver, I pity you. Your life must be so pathetic and empty that you feel you need to judge your passengers by their races. You are narrow-minded, your lack of knowledge is laughable and you are also completely and sadly naive in your belief of superiority. To me your opinion signifies nothing and you are beneath my contempt."

2002-11-02T00:22:00.000+10:00

i am a robot slowly turning back into a human being.

i am a humanoid.

perhaps with a bit more sleep i may once again become a human.

could i be a transformer? hee

...

i swear i found two blonde/white hairs on my head from stress! argh!

sign-off on the client i have been on for the past month or so was today and it was officially my last day EVER on that client for as long as i live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D so i don't have to work this weekend!! yay! this is definitely cause to par-tay!

and the countdown until my termination is two weeks => 10 days!

...

went to home last friday for the first time in months and they have changed the rooms! a couple of the friends i went with had never been and i hurried them to the old dark smokey den of a d'n'b room only to find that it had been converted into a dodgy chill out =P blah!

...

was anyone else tricked by the radio message this morning about a broken down car in the flashing lane in the northbound section of the tunnel? i changed lanes and was going at snail pace only to find when i reached the end of the tunnel that there was no broken down car! oh the trickery of it all! silly me.

...

i was reading this magazine article today where five guys were blindfolded and were required to figure out which of the five respective girlfriends was theirs through

1. smelling them;
2. touching their hands;
3. touching their chests;
4. listening to them walk; and
5. having the girlfriends whisper their names in their ears.

quite a few of the guys got a lot of these wrong.

this immediately got me thinking about whether i would pass these tests and my instant reply was 'of course', but as i thought about it more, i am not so sure.

an interesting experiment, perhaps i should round up a few friends and have a go :) purely for research purposes of course.

2002-10-29T02:17:00.000+10:00

red light week

t...iireeeed ... ... was driving back from work today at 2:10ish am and was so exhausted i took a wrong turn and started going down a one way street. When i realised this I started reversing into the street i turned off and got done by the red light camera. =<

*ka-ching*

*blinding flash*

what a miserable end to the 'start' of a miserable week.

i am counting down the days of my last three weeks! =>

2002-10-22T23:46:00.000+10:00

it's a new day

i handed in my resignation letter in yesterday morning ... ... it was such a difficult thing to do. i know i have spent the past three years whinging about work and saying how much i want to try something else ... but now that it is actually happening i know that i am going to miss my friends at work and i guess it is just hard to leave my comfort zone. plus i feel like i am disappointing some people who have really helped me over the years in terms of opportunities and offering support.

i really thought that the day this occurred i'd be jumping for joy and excitement but while i jumped for joy in the weeks leading up to my resignation, my post resignation feelings have been some relief and anticipation and a little trepidation due to the fact that this upcoming change is now so definite.

but not to worry ... i am sure after i have served my required four weeks and after they have finished working me like a dog at my current client i will have recovered! :) yeah! there will definitely be celebrations on my last day!! :)

on a happier note i bought these beyootiful red shoes with coloured straps to reward myself, they are called the "the dancer shoe" =D

and these groovilicious lilac cord hipster flares =D

2002-10-11T23:54:00.000+10:00

yay for product placement:

vanilla coke! just like an ice-cream soda only without the ice-cream!

starburst lollipops! ssooooo flavoursome

2002-10-09T19:34:00.000+10:00

i have an interview yeah yeah yeah! *pumps arms in air a la cute little scrunchie face boy in 'stepmom'*

can you hear the birds chirping? :)

2002-10-07T19:45:00.000+10:00

double merit points weekend

1 merit point for the musics

approaching the stairs of home niteclub we were subjected to some more of that famous bouncer humour ...

bouncer: "hey ladiez ... left your husbands at home for the nite??"

us: *roll of eyes heavenwards*

bouncer: "... ho ho ho left your husbands at home?"

clearly their witty repartee was too much for us to handle at this time of the nite.

entered venue without any further interruptions and realised with a start that yes ... breaks are the new house ...

adam freeland played a funkalicious set ... (tho very different from the one at '01 big day out which we thoroughly enjoyed) ... and after a whirl of much dancing, happy snaps with my trusty canon digital and pure music enjoyment ... it was time to head home ...

radio: "what's love got to do with it got to do with it ... "

ahhhhhh easy listening how our throbbing heads and ears do adore u.

sleep does not commeth so ...

shower, favourite pjs, water, then a couple of hours on 'the q' before bed ....

heat pack ... strange dreams in my semi-conscious state ...

approaching the stairs of the metro on a busy syd sat nite ...

as i was being complimented by a friend on my halter-neck top/wrist bands (a transformed t-shirt) i was once again subjected to that bouncer humour ...

bouncer: "yeah, nice top ... *i am soooo funneee facial expression*"

choc monster: "uh, thanks ... *you are so funneee facial expression*"

yet again, this bouncer's brand of original humour left me craving more.

i have to say that the history of breaks party was a pleasant surprise ... entering the main arena the dance floor was already half full at this early hour ... the music mainly comprised re-mixes of old skool hip hop and other electro type tracks (yes yes i know .. hence the "history" in hob) however it didn't turn out to be what i expected.

at first we hung back satisfied to just enjoy the music and observe some of the dancers ... (wow that japanese guy could dance!) however after a while we were compelled to join in the fun ...

once again the night passed by in a whirl of activity .. however towards the end i was happy to just sit back and absorb the music and the atmosphere.

the brisk walk back to the car in the cold woke me up a bit ... and once bundled in the car the 'oh how my head throbs so' ritual began once again:

easy listening radio
shower
favourite pjs
copious amts of water
heat pack
semi-conscious state
strange dreams ...

1 merit point for catching up

caught the last of the manly jazz festival yesterday ... it was a relaxing day and i guess that quote from reality bites abt a cup of coffee, a smoke (not literally in my case) and good conversation being all you need is true ...

had a bit of trouble finding my way home .. i am one of those people who have no sense of direction and cannot read a map to save their lives (not for lack of trying!) so yes .. getting home from manly each time is a bit of a pot luck ... i kind of drive in the general direction i think the city is in and hope for the best .... but since i am typing this u can see that this method has worked thus far ...

2002-10-03T14:45:00.000+10:00

"The weekend has landed. all that exists now is pubs, clubs, drugs and parties i've got 48 hours from the world man, i'm gonna blow steam out of my head like a screaming kettle, i'm gonna talk codshit to strangers all night, I'm gonna lose the plot on the dance floor, the free radicals inside me are freaking man. tonight i'm jip travolta, i'm peter popper, i'm going to never never land with my chosen family man, we're gonna get more spaced out than neil armstrong ever did. anything could happen tonite, this could be the best nite of my life u know! i've got 73 quid in my back burner, i'm gonna wax the lot man. the milky bars are on me yeah!"

2002-10-03T00:00:00.000+10:00

hear no evil:

i can complete you - luke slater
only you - luke slater
it's love - dj spice

is it wrong to feel this happy after devouring half a carton of sara lee ultra chocolate ice-cream?

:)

i believe the answer is yes.

2002-10-02T01:29:00.000+10:00

i promised more details on japanime. tics go on sale this thurs (3/10) :)

2002-10-02T01:07:00.000+10:00

have just gotten back from a girly nite of watching sex and the city...season one so i am in a thinking mood.

why is it that we have totally different rules and expectations about what is acceptable behaviour in relationships with friends than with partners? for example, why is it considered rude to be half an hour late say for a date but it is okay to be half an hour late when meeting a friend. why is it okay to say "i'll call you later" to a friend and when this phone call finally comes a week later with an apology things are usually still cool whereas in a relationship there would be hell to pay?

i was talking to ooee about the expectations we have with our groups of friends and she said that compared to other people's groups of friends
(with whom she has mixed), she believes that our closer friends tend to have higher expectations of each other and are more considerate of each other. i like to think of this as a good thing as i think being able to rely on friends is very important. if a friend says to me that they will be at x place and y time, i like to be able to have some sort of reassurance that they will do all that they can (within practical boundaries) to be there.

this brings me to the situation that occurred to me the other day. i had organised with a friend, who i will call mr.noshow, to pick me up at a certain time to attend a friend's birthday party and was stood up. oh no not for another person but for a bottle/(s) of something or rather sadly consumed the night before amongst other activities. after futile attempts to reach mr.noshow on his mobile (argh!) i was forced to find another way to get there given that i had not made other plans due to relying on mr.noshow. i then did not hear from mr.noshow until 6 hours after the time he was supposed to pick me up with a weak apology and many (extremely poor) excuses. is it wrong of me to have expected a bit more consideration? i know for a fact that mr.noshow would never ever have done this to his gf, may i emphasis ever. why is it that i didn't deserve the same level of consideration or you could even go so far as to say respect?

you know, seeing as friends are the people who are still there to pick up the pieces when relationships end and are the ones who hold our hands through all sorts of crises, you would think that of all people, they would be the ones that deserve that extra bit of consideration. they may not fulfill our 'intimate' needs but they do fill other just as vital parts of our lives.

i am as guilty as the next person of taking my friends for granted, but thinking about it i really do hope to make more of an effort in the future.

i guess it is never too late to follow a bit of that old age wisdom - "treat others like you would want to be treated".

2002-10-01T18:52:00.000+10:00

p.s. for those who have seen the new james bond movie trailer

"that's quite a mouthful you have there"

=D HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *laughs arse off*

that shot straight to the top of my pick-up lines list, not that i have a pick-up lines list.

2002-10-01T18:25:00.000+10:00

ugh! stoopid computer crashed! another blog entry sucked into cyberspace whirlpool history! i won't even try re-typing it.

i have been dancing around to tectonics and coastal breaks in anticipation of thursday nite.

methinks i haven't been to a really good party for a long time.

it's strange but some of the most interesting things i have learnt about people have been at parties...sometimes it have been the case of a bit TMI
something about the party atmosphere causes some indiscretion, which is not always a bad thing in terms of blackmail .. ;) hee hee

*kicks feet in the air*

spent the weekend at a bbq at bicentennial park where i was coerced into attempting to play an impromptu game of soccer... bad idea i was so crap! hee hee :) also enjoyed the simple pleasures of wandering around some market stalls examining the wares, especially the jewellery and bags. i love looking at bead jewellery and figuring out how they were put together and also making bead jewellery for myself. purchased myself a miffy bag :) remember 'miffy lost her mittens' :) hee one of my personal childhood faaavvooouriteess

i received an anticipated phone call today which brought one opportunity to a crashing halt but has now opened the doors to a new one. *fingers crossed* that it all works out.

eek! just listened to my work voicemails .. bad mistake ... seems even on leave i can't escape the claws of evil evil work people with evil evil work tasks that need to be done within evil evil deadlines which evilly fall before the end of my once blissful (b4 listening to voicemails) time off! *expells breath* and now i am evilled out.

2002-09-27T17:20:00.000+10:00

10 glorious days of freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

begins now ...

hurrah!

2002-09-25T23:48:00.000+10:00

the long weekend presents:

Beat-Fix presents Adam Freeland

when: Thursday 3rd October
who: Adam Freeland, Mark Walton , Pitty the Kidd, Frenzie, AJAX, Mc Antic
worth: $20/$15 Sublime members available from Central , Homebar or www.inthemix.com.au
where: Sublime @ Home

History of Breaks 3

when: Saturday 5 October
who: Dexter. Also Kuya (The Beginning - 86), Mark Walton (87 - 95), Jonathon Wall (96 - 99), , Ajax (2000- 02), Nick Toth (history of hip hop), Kavi-R (history of funky shit), Blaze (history of electro).
what: History of breaks, hip hop, funky shit, electro and an avalanche of breaks from Dexter.
worth: $28 + bf from Central Station and Metro box office.
where: Metro Theatre
more: www.metrotheatre.com.au www.yu.com.au

2002-09-25T00:42:00.000+10:00

la la la la la :)

*twiddles thumbs* :)

watched the emmys last night ... it wasn't very interesting ... but - yay ray won! :)

i am also embarrassed to admit that i found myself tearing as they presented oprah the first humanitarian award ... shoot me now! damn it was tom's fault!

on the way to work today i took a detour and re-discovered this little health food/breakfasty cafe place which has the best coffee and baked goodies ... (street parallel to crown st, east sydney)...my choice for today was a squishy chocolate brownie with chocolate buttons on top and a regular latte =P~~~~ *drools at the memory*

2002-09-20T17:31:00.000+10:00

I PAASSSEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woo! hoo!

No more exams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a CA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am as happy as a ribena berry!!!

It's times like this all the sacrifices seem almost worth it ...!!!! =>

Thanks to all my family and friends who supported me over the last 1.5 - 2 years, I know you had to put with much (understatement) whinging and stressing and worse!!!!! You are all the BEST!

Also thanks to those for your well wishes today!! you know who you are!!! => =>

2002-09-20T00:42:00.000+10:00

while i was having lunch the other day, a work colleague took it upon himself to re-tell me the story of the study done on trains where they used a forensic light and found stuff like a billion traces of poo amongst other crap all over the train seats and poles. now i have heard this story before, but it didn't really affect me as it was quickly forgotten as until now i have rarely ever had to catch trains.

since i have been having to take a train from the city to work lately, i have since developed a paranoia about touching anything while i am on the train. i managed not to touch anything with my skin on the day i was told the story but unfortunately that has not been feasible on other days when i haven't gotten a seat and when my skin touched anything i just felt so d.i.r.t.y!! =< i am sure that buses and all other public surfaces are just as dirty and germy ... let's not even think about public toilets for now ...

i think i have developed a new phobia for life.

it's strange how every person has their own individual quirks, even if they aren't as sensationalised as the ones on ally mcbeal (on the show this particular quirk would probably be visualised as a cartoon piece of mr. hanky that materialises out of the train seat and lands on my hand to groove to barry *erk*). i must admit i have one involving footpaths and the joining lines and even footsteps... i remember being surprised a couple of years ago when i revealed this particular quirk to someone and they ended up having a similar one! :) i have a fellow soul-mate quirker! hee hee

anyway i am just amusing myself as i am too stressed about my exam results to sleep ... ... ...

(p.s. i don't usu. stress this much about results but i have a lot riding on these so cut me some slack =< )

2002-09-18T19:07:00.000+10:00

i am suffering from pre-exam result jitters ...

it has been constantly at the back of my mind for the past month but for the past week i have been getting these sudden panic attacks (at all times of the day - panic attacks don't seem to discriminate) where my heart speeds up and my mind starts whirring with "i am going to fail! argh!" thoughts.

i guess in 2 days time i will know my fate.

wish me luck

:)

2002-09-16T20:15:00.000+10:00

Major cornball alert ... but i think there is some truth in the following:

"Happiness lies in wait for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives."

"A sad thing about life is when you meet someone that means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go."

"When one door of happiness closes another opens but often we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us."

"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. "

"Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back, don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours."

"Never say goodbye when you still want to try, never give up when you still feel you can take it, never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go."

"Love comes to those who still hope, even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe, even though they've been betrayed, those who still love even though they've been hurt before."

"Don't go for looks, it can deceive, don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright."

"Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, cause you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want in life."

"When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying."

How people will feel and what they will say when I pass away is something that I think of every now and again (especially after a traumatic event has occurred). I don't know if it is weird/morbid to think about these things but I really believe that one of the worst things that could happen to a person would be that no-one would care - that a person would have had so little impact on the world.

It is times like this that I really think about what I want to be remembered for and not remembered for and how fragile life is.

As I get older I am finding that it is getting easier and easier for time to fly by without me achieving what I want to in the way of personal growth and this scares me. I have found that life has gotten so frantic sometimes that I have often not stopped to spend quality time with the people I care about or to take that extra step to help other people and this scares me. I think I was brought up to be a good and giving person and as a child I had all these ideals and charitable plans. I think that child is still inside me but the problem is letting her out.

Unfortunately in real life the "get out of jail free" card is not an option.

2002-09-16T19:55:00.000+10:00

on other news i have been hooked to "get your freak on" (missy elliot) for the past few weeks ...

download like the wind peoples!

2002-09-16T19:54:00.000+10:00

an oldie, but this one is for 'my girls' .... ...

it might not be the right time
i might not be the right one
but there's something about us, i want to say
cos there's something between us anyway

i might not be the right one
it might not be the right time
but there's something about us, i've got to do
some kind of secret i will share with you

i need you more than anything in my life
i want you more than anything in my life
i'll miss you more than anyone in my life
i love you more than anyone in my life
.
.
.
.
.
.

2002-09-14T10:28:00.000+10:00

moving billboard sighting:

"Love hurts. Shopping helps"

word.

2002-09-13T00:19:00.000+10:00

chucks!

2002-09-13T00:13:00.000+10:00

Billboard sighting of the day:

"I shop therefore I am glam"

Seeing that billboard jogged my memory all the way back to when i was a youngin' in high school. I attended a maths tuition place which was trying to advertise. The owner made us all pose for a billboard shot with our fisted arms raised in the air in a "yes!" gesture ... very a la prior (spelling?) maths. Apparently the billboard was posted up on the hurstville train line ... thank goodness I never had to face the horrific sight ... but from friends' descriptions I was apparently up the front ... yes I was the one in the marvin the martian t-shirt (*shuddup!*) and yes I was the one with a constipated look on my face and a reluctant arm raised. I can only hope that all evidence of that photo taking place has been destroyed!!! destroyed i say!!

Anyway, just had dinner with my friend who was recently engaged, his fiance and a few other friends. I met my friend's fiance for the first time today and she seems like such a lovely and sweet person (plus she is extremely pretty and intelligent!!!!) and they seem so happy together. I wonder what she thought of us ... guess I will find out tomorrow =)
I had an enjoyable time though, the food was good, conversation lively and how can you go wrong when they turn on the disco ball halfway through the night?!? (a bit reminiscent of midnight bowling at 11pm!!!! hahahahahahahaha sorry private joke *amuses self*)

Apart from that, all I can say is I have a slightly more optimistic look on life at the moment due to having a little something in the pipelines .. however I don't want to jinx myself, so for now mum's the word.

2002-09-09T22:14:00.000+10:00

i am suffering from make-up lust and it is all ooee's fault!! :)

2002-09-09T20:41:00.000+10:00

funky pants update:
there are now SIXTY comments to date.

for some reason i find this fascinating ... i am a sad sad individual.

my friend at work got engaged on the weekend! i am so happy for him =) *does a love jig*

2002-09-09T00:13:00.000+10:00

evidence of the power of fame .... i was reading wil wheaton's blog and saw that he had a five line entry on the fact that he was running late and the pair of pants he had grabbed and put on had sat in the dryer for too long - hence they smelt funky.

This piece of non-information received FIFTY-FIVE *!?!?!?!?!* comments to date!

go figure.

2002-09-08T01:48:00.000+10:00

hee hee =)

ha ha (=

2002-09-08T01:38:00.000+10:00

YAY!! The Japanime festival is back!!! When it was on in 2000 I was late to buy tickets and only got to see Spriggan ... hopefully I'll be able to see more cool stuff this time round! =)

"Following on from the huge success of Japanime in 2000, Japanime is back in 2002 with another celebration of the very best of Japanese Animation, with a particular emphasis on films by directors who display a sophisticated, cinematic approach to their work. Japanime 2002 is a unique festival as it is the largest and most contemporary screening program of animated feature films to take place in Australia.

Japanime 2002's program will feature old classics as well as new films, with a focus on showcasing the most successful independent animators. Highlights will include the comedy hit Cowboy Bebop the Movie, a digitally restored version of Akira and the premiere of the much anticipated Spirited Away."

Hmmmm what a coincidence .. i just watched Cowboy Bebop last nite ... or part of it anyway when I wasn't napping .... hee .. gosh i am lazy.

2002-09-08T00:52:00.000+10:00

The Ten Most Common Traits of a Fictional Romance Novel Male:
(Don't ask how I know this)

1. Hair - black as a raven (usu. with a wave)
2. Eyes - either deep blue, piercing grey or emerald green
3. Chest hair is essential *shudders*
4. Must be 6 feet tall or over (but still move gracefully)
5. Must have muscles to spare
6. Must be rich (must be self-made wealth)
7. Must be extremely good looking plus possess charisma and an air of power
8. Is highly intelligent and driven
9. Is extremely sexually experienced and effortlessly draws women in droves
10. Has impeccable taste in clothing and has a vast knowledge of everything under the sun (especially the best restaurants and alcohol)

Oh, did I say 10? i meant 11! Has an irrational fear of COMMITMENT due to some traumatic event from the past. *mutters typical (rude word) male*

Seemingly a large proportion of the western world's romance novelists find the above what they would want in a perfect partner.

I wonder if this is representative of the female population?!?!?!?!?

Now that is one scary mutha of a thought.

2002-09-06T02:05:00.000+10:00

p.s. for those of you who watch 'Everybody loves Raymond' this is for you...

*bubbles in my hiney...there are bubbles in my hiney...* hahahahahahaha *amuses self greatly*

2002-09-06T01:45:00.000+10:00

ooee sent me this link.

now i feel sad.

2002-09-06T01:42:00.000+10:00

I have always had an envy bordering on insane jealousy of people who are happy with themselves. When i say happy with themselves I mean those people who seem to have this self satisfaction and inner peace with themselves. I think "comfortable in their own skin" is the phrase that pretty much encapsulates it.

I have never been one of those elite 'peoples'.

When I was younger, I think a great deal of my dissatisfaction with myself came from my inability to meet my parents’ expectations. Being the middle child in my family with two brilliant sisters also made it extremely difficult. Whatever I did, it always seemed as if it had either already been done better by my older sister or was subsequently done better by my younger sister. Whatever I was just did not seem enough.

Retrospectively I can see that my parents were just trying to drive me to aim higher and achieve as much as I could and make the most of the opportunities that I was blessed with. So while I am not in complete agreement with the way they went about it, I cannot fault their intentions.

As I grew older I slowly began to realise that my self happiness could not be dependent on fulfilling other people’s expectations. While my parents’ opinions still mattered to me, I came to realise that my goals and needs were very different from theirs.

However, the problem is that while I know my goals and needs are very different, I am having trouble identifying exactly what they are. Without knowing what you want, how can you do anything about it?

There are those people who launch themselves into the world with vigour with the purpose of ‘finding themselves’. However, is it possible to find the answers when you search for them? Why is it some people can have this happiness with themselves, seemingly without any effort? Is it because some people are more easily satisfied? Is it that I expect too much?

I was talking to ooee today and she made the remark that if given the choice she would prefer to be one of the unsatisfied people as it forces a person to look for more information, experience more of life and etc. She also suggested that perhaps being an anxious type of person means that you may experience a wider range of emotions and more passionately.

But I do not know. Sometimes i think i would prefer to be one of the 'happy' people.

I guess life is a path of self discovery.

But sometimes I think that when my path ends I still will not be any closer to any answers and even if I have some answers, will this necessarily bring me self happiness?

2002-08-30T17:07:00.000+10:00

the sun is shining

the weekend is here

i have three days leave next week

i have new red shoes

my eagerly awaited book arrived in the mail today

life is looking good =)

2002-08-29T21:06:00.000+10:00

STOP!

FULL SCALE WHINGING STRAIGHT AHEAD. MAY BORE YOU TO TEARS.

i am in an extremely foul mood. ooee wrote a post about moody people. i am the epitome of moodiness. i am mood-ination.

i know i whinge about work a lot (way too much), but ... i have to vent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

work bites.

worked late again monday - tuesday.
worked til 2 something am last nite, arrived at work at 7:30am this morning, missed lunch, missed dinner, just came home and brought the rest of my work with me. It is going to be a bloody long night and i look and feel like the pathetically squished orange 'witches' hat (that angered a bus) i saw on the road on the way home. I don't know the meaning of normal work hours any longer.

Am i justified in being moody? or is this considered to be self indulgent selfish behaviour? because i really don't care at the moment.

On the upside my peter alexander pjs arrived =)

2002-08-28T23:39:00.000+10:00

has my new template upset the blog feng shui??!?!? =<

2002-08-27T23:58:00.000+10:00

A movie I watched recently which really stood out in my mind was 'requiem for a dream', directed by Darren Aronofsky (who also directed 'pi').

The movie is a type of fable about addiction and while the main story line revolves around drug addiction, the movie delves into other themes - of isolation, alienation, escapism, delusion, human fallibility and destruction/waste. While the content was so dark that it left me with a disturbed and uncomfortable feeling it definitely got me thinking and I highly recommend watching this movie even purely for the original way the movie was shot (if the themes do not strike a chord).

I won't go into anymore detail because i don't want to spoil the movie for future viewers, however if anyone has seen it and has any thoughts to share - please post. =)

2002-08-24T03:11:00.000+10:00

"Its gettin hot in here
So take off all your clothes
I am gettin so hot, I wanna take my clothes off"

hee hee not really, so don't run screaming yet! =)

one pair of very sore feet coming up!

whew went and shook my booty a bit tonite. it was lots of fun but i am definitely getting too old and my 'groove' was a bit off!

it was a bit strange at first (when i first arrived my body kept expecting an electronic beat of some sort) as i had not been to an rnb club in a long long time - so long that i can't even remember what the previous time was!

anyway, can't keep eyes open a moment longer...must catch some zzzzzzzzzzs

p.s. i watched ocean's eleven again the other night and brad pitt was being interviewed (part of special features). during the interview he made the comment that they had so much fun making the movie that he didn't know why they got paid. now i really hate it when actors make statements like that, makes the rest of us overworked dogs with 'real' jobs feel like crap. it's a bit like a supermodel boasting about how they can eat anything they want and never put on weight. may they all be cursed with putrid halitosis. X(

p.p.s. also curse the coffee shop which sold me two overdue milky ways. i bit into one before i realised and it was rock hard. ew.

2002-08-22T23:04:00.000+10:00

"Time spent in your imagination is like time spent on the garden; it never goes to waste."

"Being soberer, probably all of us more sensible than at any point in our lives so far, has led to some changes in emphasis. I think previously we felt a need to be psychically charged to make good music. What we did during the day was informed by reckless gallivanting in the dark. There was a consensus that good music – which is a reflection of your deepest desires and all the things you care about – can’t be made by people who go to bed early. In fact, I always made a point of being the last one to bed. That’s why touring, despite all the endless searching for a toilet and nonsense is so important to bands. It takes you out of the everyday frame of your life and places you in a continuously changing environment with endless possibilities. You can’t be worrying about what tiles to have in the bathroom – grounded, domestic type banalities - when you are always on the move. You take your music and your books with you and look out of windows all day. Everything you see is only a wink away. Adding alcohol increases the sense of possibility and compels you to act. So merrily we hurled ourselves over physical and mental horizons and found out who we were. The scope of the world is a giddying prospect; I became a willing crash and burn cavalier. Slowly though, you work out what you want and how to get it, and here I am sitting in the early morning sun feeling strangely inspired by the everyday events of my life. Inspiration is an oddly elusive quality. You can fly to New York on Concorde and feel nothing and then suddenly come over all different in the vegetable section at Tesco’s. I think it’s linked to feeling free somehow.All I’m trying to say is that we’ve all grown up a little bit. The dynamic has changed, and we’re in touch with the things that we care about. A new record is taking shape. You pour your heart into it everyday, you never really know what you’re going to get till you’ve got it but something is happening. Everything flows. We’ve been talking to various people about making a film. When Hollywood films get made, they put the music on last, and then use the music to sell the film. We’ve started with the music. The ninety-minute Hollywood film is rarely any one person’s vision anymore. It gets too watered down. A song is always someone’s vision and there are great possibilities, but people in bands generally tend to be good at making music specifically, rather than good film makers, which is why you get so many crap videos of bands performing. Watch this space.If you look at the image on the front of a packet of Camel cigarettes and imagine where that is, that is where we’re going I think. Somewhere like that. Stranger music, stronger wine. Time spent in your imagination is like time spent on the garden; it never goes to waste. We are the music makers; we are the dreamers of the dreams."

Alex's Diary
21/8/2002

"I became a willing crash and burn cavalier". i am a willing crash and burn cavalier. hee! what a great line!

Alex is my new official hero.

2002-08-22T22:40:00.000+10:00

a new day - a new look :)

pink is the new brown! *perky voice over*

feeling incoherent today so will write in bullet form:

- saw ooee's new template and became insanely jealous, so thought it was about time for a change. i am quite proud of myself figuring out the html with some phone help from ooee (ooee is a star) as i am quite puta illiterate.

- been operating in a scattered state lately...me thinks my body still craves much much sleep. had to go to a work dinner last night at nick's seafood =P~~~ so got home late, but the seafood platter was well worth the sleep loss.

- had a hell of a day at work today. too hellish to rate any more comment. got home just in time to see charlie cheating on jen in dawson's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! p.s. jack is a b*tch!!

- spent way too much $ (even though i did not get everything i want) on pjs today!! the new season is ghetto-fabulous!!! *sigh of bliss*

- selwyn is a star! i really like "rich girl" for some reason...

2002-08-21T00:52:00.000+10:00

What happened to? :

1. toobs
2. mon cheris
3. fags
4. ovaltinees
5. balthalzar getty

p.s. for those of u interested, eric from days of lives is going to be on dawson's!!! =) first tristan from gilmore girls and now eric! they are upping their spunk quotient to compensate for dawson the nostril flarer. just when we thought he could not get any more unattractive - he cried at the funeral...my sister fell over herself to change the channel at that point.

2002-08-21T00:16:00.000+10:00

scooter has released a new single! hee! =)

part of me was appalled and part of me was *bopping*. oh dear.

2002-08-19T20:16:00.000+10:00

For those holding you breath on my account, yes, I now have a dvd case complete with dvd :) success!!!

The weekend passed by extremely quickly and was constructively spent sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.

Caught up with some high school friends for dinner, whom I have not seen for so long I do not remember the last time I saw them. Unfortunately the restaurant that was chosen left a lot to be desired in the way of food and my pollo avocado had some weird paprika taste =P *blah*.

I am feeling extremely guilty as it feels like I have my priorities all wrong. As I have been spending a large proportion of my time working and studying, I have kind of neglected my friends and I guess they have felt that they were not able to approach me =< But you know how it gets, tunnel vision and all. Forgive me?!?!?!?!?!

I also purchased the new Marian Keyes book 'angels' however have not started reading it yet - anyone read this yet?? I am hoping it is a 'Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married" the second because I loooovvvve that book - makes me laugh. (Yes, I am a chick-lit supporter and unashamed) I began another one of her books 'Sushi for Beginners' a while ago and was so disappointed with it I did not finish reading it but I have heard that "Rachel's Holiday" is pretty good.

2002-08-15T23:17:00.000+10:00

everyone in my family seems to be jinxed when making purchases. it is guaranteed that 98% of every item purchased by my family has some sort of fault that requires the purchase to be returned/exchanged/repaired and this jinx includes items purchased overseas and items purchased for gifts.

tv - faulty!, computer - faulty!, dining table - came chipped - twice!!!, chronicles of narnia boxed set - missing pages from the final book!, pair of jeans - button was faulty! i could go on for pages (when i say 98% i mean 98% with *!*) and get this, to top it all off, today i bought a dvd and once i pulled off the plastic wrap filled with anticipation - there was no disc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i mean is it possible for a family to have this much bad luck or does this say something about the poor quality of consumer goods on the market these days?

tomorrow i shall be taking the dvd back to the shop and attempting to convince them that i am not some penny pinching con artist who has taken the disc out of the case in an attempt to save $35. i would not bother however the idea of been ripped off gives me a queasy feeling, furthermore if my family did not bother to complain about every faulty item we have purchased we would be destitute by now.

i really should rename this site "rantings of a chocolate monster" :)

2002-08-14T19:38:00.000+10:00

i have survived ... barely

now it's catch up with the lost sleep and worry about banal and frivolous things time :) yay!

now my biggest dilemmas are making myself go back to work and whether or not i should cut my hair!! :)

2002-08-10T01:02:00.000+10:00

help!!!

2 DAYS UNTIL MY EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*RUNS AROUND IN ERRATIC CIRCLES AND PANICS*

i am the queen of procastination.

i am chocolate monster's wasted life.

=<

i want to pass so badly i can taste it ... but unfortunately that seems to be working as more of a demotivator than anything else.

ugh.

2002-08-01T21:03:00.000+10:00

4 days 'til study leave

10 days 'til exam

ever thought about where the word "umm" was derived?? why do people continually make that sound when they are talking?? why "um?" when there are endless alternative sound possibilities. "umm" is just such a stupid sound to make!!

perhaps it is a sound disease.

anyway gotta keep working yet again, just thought i'd have a time out.

sweet dreams
*:)

2002-08-01T00:51:00.000+10:00

hullo...

very tired, it has been a very long day or should i say week. worked til 2am yeterday and til 12 something tonite, just got home. =<

guess i need not say that i have not had time to do anything else let alone even stop and think of anything but work.

a girl at work who recently transferred to my co. who has only been at my client for 3 days and has not stayed past 7 (and has never worked past 6 prior to this) started crying today and chucked a hissy fit because she claimed she did not 'understand' the work and with her old company she got to 'talk' to people and the work was so different hence she was sent home before 5. i am not impressed. she had the easiest work to do and to my knowledge how different can audit get between companies? spin another one. another girl who is supposed to be helping me out who also recently transferred to my co. made it clear she did not want to stay back to help out so i told her to go before 7. i am not impressed. however i'd rather slave away til the wee hours rather than have to tolerate that attitude.

am counting down the days to my study leave...

5 days til study leave

11 days til EXAM

*tries to panic but cannot summon up enough energy*

bright point of day => got CA assignment back and did quite well :) , have now calculated that i have definitely passed non-exam component (50%) of module with one more focus session to go. this is very lucky as i have not had time to prepare anything for it. will go there and sit mute :)

:)

sweet dreams all

2002-07-29T19:34:00.000+10:00

argh! i lied! ended up working late thurs and fri and worked part of sat!!! had to help others out on a part of the job which i was not even supposed to be involved in!! what's with this teamwork b/s! =< i say if you are efficient you should get our weekend!!! not have to pick up other people's slack! =< anyway that was my outburst for the day...

my brother-in-law's birthday was last night so had family dinner and birthday cake with ice-cream! yum!

have brought home a bundle of work to do tonite as unfortunately one of the staff supposed to be working with me was away sick today.

anyway, dinner is calling, gotta run.

2002-07-24T22:35:00.000+10:00

i wish a large scaly tooth gnashing fire breathing dragon would capture me in its pointy jaws and devour me =<

argh! slept through my alarm today and woke up feeling like shit and with a bad bad feeling...

shot up in bed with horror and shock, my mind reeling as i realised that it was 10:30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of all the days to sleep in!!!!! today was the biggest day on the engagement i am on, with the big wigs coming out and lots to be wrapped up in the meanwhile and i SLEPT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i felt sooooooooooooooooooo bad i got ready in 15 mins and rushed like crazy to get to work a bit past 11! =<

i then proceeded to rush around trying to get what i could done, missed a couple of deadlines and didn't get to eat anything bar a chocolate bar til dinner tonite.

i still feel like shit.

the only good news is that i will have a short reprieve from the madness for the next few days and may even finish vaguely on time !!!! YAY!!! that is, until it all begins again next week. what will i do with all these extra hours? hmmmmm the mind boggles.

2002-07-23T21:33:00.000+10:00

i have been head hunted. what should i do???????

halp?!?!?

*panics*

should i stay or should i go?

think i will go and eat a huge slice of pavlova to relax myself ;) what with the sugar content and all.

2002-07-23T00:09:00.000+10:00

Time to share:

For those of you who like to dance, I made a little discovery on the weekend - listen to:

Frenetic - Orbital!!

=) it makes me smile (=

2002-07-23T00:07:00.000+10:00

To hug or not to hug?

Dedicated to those of you who have experienced the awkard "to hug or not to hug" dilemma...

The night draws to a close and as people start to pick up their bags and shrug into jackets the rounds of hugs with platitudes of farewell and 'see you soons' begin and that old feeling of dread and uncertainty begins to trickle down your spine ... as you make eye contact with the next in line, a dozen thoughts begin to race through your head - do you know this person well enough to hug them? do they want you to hug them? do they expect a hug and will they be offended if you do not hug them? will they be offended if you do hug them? will it all be too awkard? You blink once - twice - as the person steps in front of you and you make the split second decision to:

Scenario 1:

Wimp away with the old feeble wave and "see ya later" only to feel a little snobbish (or greatly relieved depending on the huggee).

Scenario 2:

Launch yourself at the person with wild abandon and give them a flying hug and get hugged in return and you get that nice warm fuzzy feeling.

Scenario 3:

Give a warm cuddle and are rewarded with a warm cuddle in return (ahhh! :)) (or a stiffening of body to show you have made the other person uncomfortable - probably being an awkard hugger or not wanting to be hugged at all - and immediately feel embaressed =< - but of course this depends on the huggee)

Scenario 4:

Go for the hug and the awkward unsatisfying back pat, stiff-armed, half-hearted hug thing happens and you wish you had chosen Scenario 1.

Scenario 5:

Go for the hug and get a limp fish poor-excuse-of-a-hug. Enough said. You wish with all the powers of heaven that you had chosen Scenario 1.

Scenario 6:

Go for the hug and get the rib cracking, lung crushing variety of hug and wish you had chosen Scenario 1 because then you would have walked away without a bruised rib cage and being able to breath without pain!

Scenario 7:

Go for the firm, friendly, warm hug of perfect length and come away feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

I was having a bit of a chat on 'the q' with a friend (shout out to Destroyer) who began talking about the "the hug or not to hug" dilemma, as I have now termed it. Until then I never really thought about how many of us there might be who possess the gene of hug awkardness and I must certainly say that I am delighted to find that there is a peoplehood of us out there.

I used to wish I could be one of those people with the ability to hug with natural abandon, however then I think of that sweet, tingly feeling I get when I receive the surprise of a perfect hug and it makes it all worth it because I know I can appreciate that hug just that much more.

2002-07-22T22:54:00.000+10:00

destiny . fate . kismet . serendipity . yin and yang

I believe in fate.

I believe in soul mates.

However, I also believe that everyone has a hand in their own futures.

Fate may present someone with certain scenarios and opportunities, but the future depends on the choices a person decides to make. Similarly, a choice someone makes could result in them being presented with opportunities that would not have been if they had made an alternative choice. That is, fate and choice co-exist in a cause and effect tree graph.

I have often been told by people that I am a romantic. In my heart I believe that at the end of the day, just knowing that you are the most special person in the world to someone can make almost anything bearable and while life has caused me to become a tad more cynical and perhaps a tad less naive, I still truly believe that there is someone out there for each and every one of us.

Why do I believe this?

I guess it is part gut feeling, part evidence from successful relationships I know of, the poignancy of some of the poetry and music I have had the pleasure of experiencing and largely because of a need to hope.

But how does one know when one meets the right person?

That is the scary part, many people say that 'you just know', but what does that mean for people who think that they have found the right person, then find out that they were wrong?

What if the opportunity to meet the right person comes along and you are too involved with the wrong person to notice?

What if you meet the right person but due to past experiences, you have become a bit more cynical and hold back and that causes a relationship not to work out?

*touches wood*

I know it is a bit silly, I could sit here 'what if-ing' for a long long time.

If only life were that easy and I knew all the answers.

Perhaps we can only hope that our sense of self preservation does not choose to kick in at the wrong time in the future and that perhaps fate eventually does lead us in a round about way to the right person.

I have my fingers crossed for a bit of luck, fate and magic for all of us.

2002-07-17T20:33:00.000+10:00

Summary of life events:
Thursday, 11 July 2002

WORKED BUM OFF

Friday, 12 July 2002

WORKED BUM OFF

Saturday, 13 July 2002

WORKED BUM OFF

Sunday, 14 July 2002

SLEPT/CA work

Monday, 15 July 2002

WORKED BUM OFF

Tuesday, 16 July 2002

WORKED BUM OFF

Wednesday, 17 July 2002 (Today)

Worked. Managed to get off work early today to attempt to complete my CA work ... :( i would much rather collapse in bed however have my focus session tomorrow night...so I gotta do what I gotta do.

I have been feeling like I have barely had time to breath this past month or two and the days seem to be running into each other. I cannot believe today is Wednesday! If you had asked me what day it was this morning I could have sworn it was Tuesday.

I also cannot believe it is the middle of July! Where has this year gone???? I guess what they say about life passing by faster as you get older is true, if it feels this fast now I can hardly imagine how fast the years will pass by once I hit 30! argh! how about when I turn 40!!! *hyperventilates into a brown paper bag*

So much to do - so little life!

I have been invited to go to Thailand in November, however the chances of being able to get the time off work are slim. =<

I would love to go to Thailand. Just to experience the culture, eat from the street stalls, swim with the tropical fish, shop at the markets, sit on the beaches, absorb the scenery - ah it fills my heart with such longing. I am definitely all for the sun too! These winters are brutal ... I am definitely a warm weather girl, perhaps cos I am a December baby.

I have been to Port Vila in Vanuatu twice and the island is beautiful. Particularly eye-catching were the sunsets and the palm trees planted in rows, the blue/green crystal clear water =) I do have regrets however and they were being unable to capture the more picturesque scenes by camera and being unable to go scuba diving due to the short length of our stay =< I did snorkel, but it is definitely not a substitute.

A promise I am making to myself is to go scuba diving this summer, but the trouble is finding a buddy to go with me =< Unfortunately not everyone is as ardent an admirer of the ocean world. (For those of you who refuse to scuba dive, I highly recommend Sydney Aquarium and the acquarium at Manly. =))

Hey remember that movie where people live underwater? Does anyone remember the name and what it was about???

Anyway, this daydreamer gotsa get back to work!

catcha later

choc monster

2002-07-10T23:56:00.000+10:00

*whew* so much has been happening in the past week I have not had a chance to catch my breath, let along write a blog!

Thursday - Happy Birthday D.H.Y.J.L!!! :) you know who you are *retrospect hug*.

Thursday saw my night time CA Program class where I was randomly picked to complete a presentation on an unseen topic/question that had to be prepared in about half an hour!

What is it about public speaking that strikes dread into the hearts of such a large proportion of the population?

Everytime the thought of public speaking crosses my mind - I feel ill - and this time was no exception. Unfortunately on this occasion the combination of little sleep,lack of food (a packet of kettle chips and pepsi for brunch) was not a wise/preferable combination and yes I had the mind blank. Luckily I managed to pull myself out of my stupor and complete my presentation however it was not far from one of the worst ones I have ever given.

While not exactly a social butterfly, I really have no problems talking or interacting with most people if I choose to make the effort, especially as it is constantly required of me in my job, however once I get up in front of a roomful of people (even ones who are not paying attention to me) it is a whole different story. Though I must admit, I do experience a certain euphoria at the completion of a successful (in relative terms) presentation.

Friday- I got promoted at work! It would seem that some of my efforts have paid off and it is always nice to feel that people recognise your performance, even if the remuneration is not appealing vs the increased responsibilities...but let's not go there...it is a dark dark place.

Sat/Sun saw the completion of my assignment! The feeling when something that has been hanging over your head is completed is indescrible...but if I had to take a shot at a description, I would say it is a feeling of elation and relief and yet a bit of indifference and flatness at the same time??? Not make sense? I know.

Finally purchased my sister a b'day present ... ... 2 months late :( but it was a really really cool present!! i am a nice sister :)

Almost had about 10 car accidents.

Ate a rack of lamb ribs =P~~ *grin a la carnivore*

Monday/Tuesday - worked, worked and worked some more... got home past midnight on both days so am currently functioning on pure adrenaline. The one upside to working at this client is that I do not have to battle with public transport.

Poor ozone layer, one more road rage incensed driver on the road each morning.

Today - worked my bum off. I got home pretty late, however have been feeling sooooo sluggish due to lack of exercise and too much junk food/takeaway(thai, pizza, burger rings, a bag of chocolate peanut m&ms =P etc - ew!)...so hopped on the treadmill for a brisk walk/jog. I will be sore tomorrow. A little while later and I am sitting here with exercise endorphins destroying any hope of my falling asleep at a reasonable hour. oops. Perhaps I should eat dinner...hmmmmm food to quell those hunger pangs vs having to re-brush my teeth ... ... ... :) laziness wins hands down as usual ;) hee hee no food for this tummy.

Now it is time to attempt to get some rest ... another big day tomorrow, possibly one of the longest. I feel really really sorry for one of the guys at work as it is his birthday tomorrow. I did however purchase him a birthday cake to try and brighten up his day a little...maybe I will also buy some candles tomorrow..nothing like a little off-key singing and candle extinguishing to lighten a person's mood :)

Happy birthday carsonova!!!! May yoshi live on.

Anyway, enough gibberish from me in my half comatose state.

=O *yawn*

the chocolate monster on a spit

2002-07-02T02:12:00.000+10:00

quote of the week:

"i am too rich to be working this hard"

by a fellow colleague :)

*yawn* what a loooonnnngggg day ...

The weekend was one of movies galore ... I finally got around to watching "Training Day" and it is dark dark and dark...the atmosphere of the film and the 'gritty' way it was shot reminded me of "O" and disturbed me just as much...I must say that the character Denzel played freaked me out!!

I watched a documentary on the making of the movie afterwards and it was definitely interesting that all the gang members in the movie were actually real and they gave permission to the director to film around their homes.

Ethan Hawke's character reminded me of his character in "Dead Poet's Society" even though the character's are fundamentally different - perhaps it was the level of vulnerability both characters possessed?

A bit of trivia for you ... did anyone else notice that like Training Day where the movie basically spanned a day from morning until night, Ethan has also acted in "Mystery Date" which also basically spanned a day and "Before Sunrise" which also pretty much spanned a day and night... :)

I also watched "Kiss of the Dragon" - Jet Li kicks butt!! and part of "Riding in Cars with Boys" which bored me a bit ... not really my kind of film .... and finally I watched "Minority Report" which I really enjoyed. For some reason or other I enjoy watching Tom Cruise in mindless action movies :) , I found some flaws in the movie though but I will not reveal them in case I ruin the ending for anyone! I did however also enjoy Tom in "Jerry Maguire" but then again I think anyone with a heart must have enjoyed that movie to some degree ... ahhhh the "you complete me..." speech would have melted any girl's heart into a puddle (or they do not possess a romantic bone in their body!!!)

The rest of the weekend was spent devouring a couple of books and indulging in waaayyyy too much junk food :) mmmmm I am still fantasising about the chocolate brownie ice-cream sundae I ate on Saturday night =P~~~~ - that is what i call pure decadence.

Anyway, it was back to work again today .... however thank goodness my mood had elevated slightly as a result of having a couple of days of freedom. Unfortunately it was an extremely busy day .. so busy in fact that I had lunch at around 6 and even that was eaten between working - yes I am whinging :) but on a positive note I did make a start on my assignment (hurray for caffeine!) so the stress levels have settled down to a gentle *buzz*

time to get some shut eye now

the chocolate monster B)

2002-06-28T01:33:00.000+10:00

Just popped back on to give a shout out to my friend 'george da wonderful dancing monkey' - if anyone is a rabid monkey 'round here its you matey =P

2002-06-28T01:16:00.000+10:00

Last night my friend mentioned a post they had read where the person stated that no-one seems to write about happy events in their lives on blogs ... but this got me thinking does anyone actually want to read about someone's life that is seemingly all sunshine and skipping amongst flowers?

Don't get me wrong, i love sunshine and flowers and I even loved skipping as a little squirt, but that is exactly the reason why I wouldn't want to read about someone else's cloudless life...I would much prefer to read the musings of a flawed average person who has their days of sunshine and their thunderstorms and are not afraid to disclose that and if a person's life seems to be all grey clouds for a while ... then I encourage them to use the blog as their venting arena/confidante ... in fact I find the writing of my entries quite a cathartic experience at the end of a long day ...

For some reason I have always found myself drawn to the flawed anti-heroes in the stories I read ... perhaps it is because they intrigue me and capture my imagination in ways an inherently "good" person could not.

To be continued...

(A short post but once again, the mind is willing but the brain is not)

more from me, the chocolate monster, in a bit...

p.s. turn that frown upside down! to - u know who u are! ;)

2002-06-27T01:07:00.000+10:00

A disclaimer before I launch into my tale of distress (or ‘spread of grief’ as I like to call it) … I am NOT one of those people who usually crack under pressure in public (albeit I have been known to throw hissy fits in the privacy of my own ‘hovel’ but that is another story).

You know those moments in your life when everything just gets too too much and something inside you just snaps?

Well today the line was crossed.

The cookie crumbled.

I lost it.

Everyone likes to think they are infallible but today the crack in my veneer of infallibility became a ravine and I am feeling … I don’t quite know how to describe how I am feeling … exposed … vulnerable … disturbed … worse for wear?

After having worked flat out for what seems like forever (yes including sat, sun and late nights), a severe lack of zzzzzzzzzzzzzs, work stress, the woes of life and an assignment due which has not been touched due to work commitments …etc etc the list could go on… it took a rude phone call as the trigger and more than half an hours worth of unstoppable tears just started to flood down my cheeks, partnered with the thought of "there must be something more than this to life" blinkering in my mind in size 77 font.

Embarrassingly enough this occurred right in the middle of work and a concerned work colleague took me aside and tried to console me as best he could … which, while a really nice gesture, didn’t really help especially seeing as the first comment he made in an attempt to cheer me up was to ask if this “was about not being able to find a man” and being willing to help out! He also went on to make another tactical error in saying he was not good in dealing with “girly things” like this and asking whether I had any girl friends I could talk about this with! While these comments appropriately outraged me … I must say that he did try his best and I do appreciate his efforts.

I decided to award myself with the night off tonight and went out to dinner with ooee and another one of my oldest friends and I must say that the night off did me a world of good. I think every person in life needs a small group of friends like mine who can empathise with you, listen without judgement and just help you laugh and put things into perspective. While I do appreciate my friends all the time, it is times like this, the low points, when I realise exactly how much my friends mean to me and how much I rely on them and them on me. I guess that is what friendship is all about – just sharing yourself with the other person and vice versa. Thanks guys! I wuv you both! *:)

Anyway … I would write more but while the mind is willing, the brain is not …

Sweet dreams from a battered, melted and foil tattered chocolate monster…

2002-06-27T01:06:00.000+10:00

22 June 2002 - Saturday

Went out yesterday evening for a work colleague’s birthday, as we walked through the city most of the bars with the big screens were packed to overflowing with soccer enthusiasts, all strangely enough sitting/standing attentively glued to the screens like school kids. The place we ended up at was hidden away down a flight of stairs and was only half full, probably due to the tiny television situated at the back of one of the rooms from which a person with 20-20 vision would have had problems following the ball’s path. Not being a huge fan of bars, I quite enjoyed the atmosphere of this one as it was not too crowded, had a lovely wooden panelled décor and pretty cool laid back house-ish music.

I woke up with a stress headache this morning and had to stumble into the office for the day…fortunately it slowly wore off as my excitement at the prospect of my evening plans took over.

The tickets said LTJ Bukem and drum’n bass is what our ear drums demanded to hear!

I have always been a believer in working one self up into a frenzy as half the fun of a night out is the anticipation of the event itself *= = =)

We arrived a tad late however I felt a familiar tingle of excitement, as we entered the metro (a venue I have always liked for some reason or other) and took in the carpeted staggered steps and erratic bodies, complete with dangerously flying limbs, crammed on the dance floor. We ended up missing the hive, however were able to catch the second half of the matt and kayla set which as per usual was excellent!!! *:) I have always really enjoyed matt and kayla’s sets and took the opportunity to give my “dusted off” dancing shoes a much needed work out! *:)

LTJ Bukem played really groovy music and the crowd danced away however definite downers were (not necessarily in this order) accidentally misplacing my mobile (thank u nice boy who handed it in! *:)) and MC Conrad who after a promising start seemed to have forgotten how to switch off his echo machine, until I finally lost it and was compelled to scream at him to “turn off your friggin’ echo” in desperation as I attempted to hang onto what remained of my and everyone else’s sanity!

The party wrapped up at three, which was pretty early, however we left with poor sore little feet and ringing ears but with our itch to dance completely satiated…for the time being at least…

Back in the car it was time to flip to some easy listening and sing along with unconcealed passion *;) yes I am one of those people who sing in the car and am unashamed! (sing it loud sista!)

Next stop zzzzzzzzzzzzz

@}-}--`---~
the chocolate monster

2002-06-27T01:05:00.000+10:00

21 June 2002 - Friday
I am having a quarter life crisis

Awoke to the sounds of kylie “I can’t get you out of my bloody head” minogue warbling and had a strange feeling that the day was not going to get much better ... lay in bed half asleep incoherently cursing yet again the inhumanity of the corporate bigwigs of days gone by who took it upon themselves to dictate the gruelling hours of the corporate worker bee … Some days life just seems like a monotonous cycle of ‘early exhausting morning, work, more work, precious few hours of sleep and back to early exhausting morning’… *ho hum*

The quarter life crisis to me is about the quest for perfection, with the expectation that with this perfection will come fulfilment and a ‘tangible’ meaning/purpose to life, i.e. the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect travel opportunities, the perfect little thai restaurant (that makes those stuffed chicken wings- yum!), hell some days are all about the quest for the perfect latte (not too bitter with three sugars). Indeed a great percentage of my time these days is spent pondering either the possible avenues I have to achieve these goals or agonising over the sheer impossibility of everything/anything in my life falling into place.

I have always wondered if all the pieces of the puzzle that is life are supposed to magically fall into place once you hit your thirties.

Is this quest for perfection not so futile after all?

The scary thought is that perhaps the quarter life crisis just sneakily undergoes a metamorphosis while you are elsewhere occupied and re-emerges as the mid life crisis and then three quarter life crisis, which before you know it rears its ugly head in the guise of old age! =O

Another stance may be to equate the quest for perfection with personal growth and betterment however, on the other hand, if the quest is inevitably futile is it advisable just to pack up those dreams and try to be happy with what you have (if possible?)?

While this is a subject that has been discussed to death by writers much more eloquent that I, it is definitely chocolate for thought…

Perhaps the only way to go is to take each day as it comes and start small …

Now to find that perfect cup of coffee…

*;)
The chocolate monster

2002-06-27T01:03:00.000+10:00

20 June 2002 - Thursday

Having never kept a diary for more than a week I was intrigued when my best buddy, ooee, started her very own blogspot and now I have decided to take a walk on the wildside and start my very own!!! :) hee hee This is kind of ironic seeing as one of the reasons (aside from sheer laziness) that I developed an aversion to diary writing was due to the threat to my privacy and now here I am plonking away on my trusty keys, curled up in front of my puta.

Rather than launching into a whole spewl about who I am or think myself to be and etc ... etc ... I figure that all will slowly be revealed to those who have the patience and curiosity to stick around and read on!

Yes patience is a virtue and yes all good things come to those who wait (except when chocolate and shopping are involved) ;)

Well, after this tentative start, it remains to be seen whether this spot will enable me to smash my personal diary keeping record of one whole week or whether it will end up being discarded amongst the rubble of unwanted, unloved and long forgotten spots in the cyberspace lost and found bin.

sweet dreams x
*:)
the chocolate monster